Kitten Life Stages, Dances With Cats style

We all know about the typical cat life stages: Sexual maturity (7 to 9 months of age), social maturity (about 3 years of age), middle age (7-10), senior citizenship (10-16) and finally, Sage of Ultimate Feline Wisdom (17-death). But have the kitten development stages ever been catalogued? I think not! So here, for your edification, is my own version of Kitten Development:

Stage 1: Squirmy Fur-Blob (birth-3 weeks). All the kittens do at this stage is wriggle around like worms, squeaking, hunting for their favorite nipple, and sleeping in cute piles with heads, paws and tails sticking out in every which direction. Their eyes are not yet open, so they haven't gotten the urge to explore.

Stage 2: Cute Little Miscreant Fur-Blob (3 weeks-2 months). Still exceedingly cute, but now that their eyes are open, they're going "over the wall" of the birthing box and getting themselves into tight spots, from which they squeak and cry in anguish until their mother rescues them.

Stage 3: Two Speeds: 900 mph and Comatose (2-6 months). Now the kittens are interested in exploring, and their muscles have developed sufficiently to allow them to cross a room at supersonic speeds. Lots of good times for the people as we learn to dance jigs around Kitty so as not to break Kitty's fragile kitten bones when Kitty darts between our feet as we enter the house laden with groceries, firewood, or other sundry things. These moments of frantic activity are punctuated by 15-minute periods of deep, deep sleep.

Stage 4: Three Speeds: 900 mph, 200 mph, and Comatose (also known as Katten) (6 months-1 year). At this point, Kitty takes great joy in dancing jigs around people and executing death-defying leaps from high places. Experimental curtain climbing also begins at this stage of development. Every once in a while, Kitty slows down enough for you to offer Her Majesty a single pettie or chin-skritch--usually at dinner time.

Stage 5: Young Adulthood (1-3 years). Cats at this stage are still at Three Speeds, but they add brief moments of awake stillness, occasionally accompanied by cute poses and purring adoration, to their repertoire of activities. This is when humans discover the true joy of having a feline companion. Many, many photos are taken at this stage of life, because Kitty is mastering his complete repertoire of Cute Cat Poses and beginning to pick up on his Elegant Cat Poses as well.

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Edit: For those of you new to my journal, I don't think I've mentioned recently that my cats and I write an advice column called Paws and Effect, in which we answer letters from cats and cat lovers about all issues feline. You can find it on the web at www.paws-and-effect.com. Cheers!